Mercy in Disguise

I spent much of the last few years of my life in agony. I have labored with a struggle to overcome relentless depression, anxiety and loss. It began after my first miscarriage in 2013. It’s hard to even write that, knowing the last 4 years of my life have been in suffering, but the miscarriage really was the start of it all. I struggled to grapple with my feelings. I had known this child in my womb for a mere couple weeks... was it even right for me to be in such mourning? The miscarriage left me raw and fearful. I knew what it meant to loose everything. I had always had what I felt like was blessing in my life. Nothing truely terrible had ever happened to me. And try to accept that kind of loss, the loss of a child, the loss of the beautiful life I wanted to do desperately hold... it was too much to bear. I began counseling. There were a lot of issues I needed to come to terms with and work through if I was going to heal properly. For my own personal privacy I won’t share that in detail here. But I am a huge believer of good counseling. It was extremely helpful to me. And I began to heal. But the wound I had was still very open. Enter in the next phase of suffering, infertility. After a few months, my husband and I were desperate for another child. Our sweet 3 year old needed a sibling and we wanted to complete our little family. We tried for months with no success. I had no problems getting pregnant the first two times... so there was no reason behind the now sudden change. It was heartbreaking. All of my friends were moving onto the two child life and as much as I tried to be part of their lives and maintain friendships it just wasn’t working. Enter the 3 phase of suffering, loss of friendship. It became harder for me to relate to everyone, especially other moms at my stage of life. There were so many unkind comments and daggers to my heart that forced me to pull myself away. So at this point I was suffering, grieving and very alone. By a year’s time we were finally pregnant. And the excitement that I was “supposed” to be feeling was replaced by fear of impending doom. Enter in anxiety. Whether it was hormonal or otherwise, I was afraid of everything. I suddenly felt this overwhelming responsibility to keep this child in my alive and preventing anything bad from happening. Enter in the OCD. I had to control. The weird part about that was deep down I knew I had no control over my life. I had to surrender my life over to my redeemer, but that was too scary for me. I had surrendered my life to Him and he took my child out of my womb... I didn’t trust him. Enter in the outbreak of West Nile Virus in our area (my neighbor contracted the virus and was desperately ill from it) and Ebola (the first US cas was a mere 20 min drive from my home). Suddenly the world was a very scary place for me. Enter in confirmation of all my fears... at 8 months pregnant I was beginning to feel comfort thinking we were almost to term with the pregnancy. And then we got terrible news. The youth pastor at our church and his wife lost their two week old baby. This was too much. I remember attending the prayer service and feeling something inside of me snap. Nothing felt safe anymore. On December 30 I went into labor with our sweet baby. And if all the stress wasn’t enough, she was born blue, not breathing. I remember asking the NICU nurses thousands of times if she was ok, and they wouldn’t answer me. It was horrifying. My worst fears had become reality. After about 45 minutes she began to improve and the NICU nurses left her in our arms. She was fine the rest of our hospital stay, and we were grateful. But I was not relieved. I was beyond afraid. Every moment of her coming home from the hospital was terrifying. About 2 hours after making it home she went into respiratory distress. It went away quickly but despite the on call nurses reassuring me over the phone that she was fine I was terrified. I think I called everyday. Worried. At her two week checkup I was able to get a video of her breathing irregularities to our pediatrician. She affirmed my concern, but reassured me that the baby was fine. Sometimes newborns breath weird and she was showing no sign of distress. I needed that. I trusted that woman immensely and if she said it was fine, I knew I could trust her again. But when we got home, the feeling of impending doom was still lurking over me... I fumbled through the first two months fairly well considering everything thing I had been through. I was managing the OCD and anxiety. It had become my new normal. I had good and bad days, but what new Mom doesn’t struggle? I reassured myself that it would get better in time. Enter in the chaos... At my daughter’s two month mark, we discovered we had bed bugs. And not just in one room, but the whole house. I felt my whole world caving in. It was the last straw for me, and that is when things got really bad. I called my OBGYN about the anxiety and finally admitted my struggles. We discussed several options, but he wanted me to check my progesterone levels first. Which, wow, I had NO progesterone in my body at all. Apparently that is the “feel good” hormone in females, so it was no surprise I felt so terrible. But the answer had come to late. I was already so far into my OCD and anxiety that fixing the hormone problem was only a bandaid over the larger problem. I went back to counseling. And it opened my eyes. There was so much I was not dealing with and I began to open my heart to the Lord, just a tiny bit. I begged Him to heal me, I told Him how much I needed Him... desperately. But I couldn’t feel Him anymore. I was always so connected spiritually and had a very fruitful prayer life. But now I could hear nothing... and if that wasn’t enough... Things began to get worse. My marriage began to fall apart. I can simply say that all that kind of stress is bad for any marriage. But again, for privacy reasons I will leave out the details. It was like all the stress had somehow brought all of our marital problems fully to the surface. Even the best of marriages have them. And we were hit in the face with them, hard. At this point I had hit rock bottom. I had lost a child,  my mental health, my friends, my spiritual life and my soulmate. I can only describe it as what St John of the Cross calls “Dark Night Of The Soul.” And it was very dark. For months I prayed with no answer and I continued to go to counseling. Never had the words “Lord have Mercy” had more meaning for me. It was one counseling session in particular that began to turn things around for me. My counselor explained that OCD has less to do with fear and more to do with emotional repression. If we treated the fears, I could very likely move onto a new one. What I had to do was feel my emotions and that was no easy task.
I have spent the last 2 years working towards feeling those emotions. And boy have I felt them. It lead me to a new level of honesty with myself, my children, my spouse and my friends. And after so much heartache I am finally beginning to see the purpose in something that I felt had none.
Loosing those friendships was the best thing that ever happened to me. After removing myself from everything, the Lord began to reveal to me how toxic they were to my heart. With the help of my counseling sessions, I had redefined what friendships should look like and am in the process of starting over. And I can say confidently, I have never known friendships like I do now. It is amazing the change that occurs when you begin to live with purpose and attract people to your life that accept you for who you are without apology.
The Lord is also in the process of healing my marriage. I never would have considered my marriage to be suffering. I thought we were “fine”. But “fine” is dangerous. The Lord has shown me that he wants and desires more for both of us. And we are now going to counseling together to work out what the beauty of the marital bond should look like.
My anxiety and OCD is improving constantly. The Lord has opened my heart and healed my wounds. It was like I was pushing down the emotions I didn’t want to feel so forcefully that the Lord was unable to help me. I had too tight a hold on them. Like a small child who skins their knees outside but is so afraid of the pain that they won’t let you touch them. And the reality it that sometimes the medicine does sting and burn. But it is necessary in order to provide deep cleansing and healing.
My sweet angel baby is now 3 years old. And I still call her my “scary” child. She just seems to have this natural disposition towards danger and peril that sends both my husband and I both into heart attacks! Like the time we spent 2 hours in the ER searching for the tiny piece of plastic spoon she swallowed at a family birthday party. I like to think that the Lord is using that adorable goofball to teach me to trust Him. Because every time I think she really is going to harm herself she turns out just fine. And she is the happiest, sweetest little girl you will ever see. And postcard of health according to her pediatrician :)
And my prayer life... well it has completely changed. I had to get honest with my Lord. I was mad at Him for taking my baby and ruining my life. And I had to tell Him. And like a patient Father he listened and then responded with the love that I didn’t deserve. There was a day not too long ago I spent in adoration and I felt Him saying to me “It’s over”. And I knew he meant my dark night was done. And The crazy thing is... I was grateful for it. And I felt closer to Him in a way I didn’t know was possible.
I guess I have written all this in the hopes it helps someone. That maybe what I have learned can be shared. My life is far from perfect but He is perfect in it. And I am learning that all this suffering just reminds me that I am not yet home

LAURA STORY
“Blessings”
We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not,
This is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise